Did I Hear that Right?

Yogi Berra

• "It ain't over 'til it's over"
• "When you come to a fork in the road, take it"
• "Never answer an anonymous letter"
• "I didn't really say everything I said "
• "You can observe a lot by watching"
• "The future ain't what it used to be "
• At Yogi Berra day in St Louis 1947 " I want to thank you for making this day necessary"

Forrest Gump

• "Shit Happens".
• "Have a Nice Day"
• "Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you'll get"
• "Stupid is, as stupid does"
• About Viet Nam: "We was always taking long walks, and we was always looking for a guy named Charlie."
• About Lt Dan: "He was from a long great military tradition. Somebody from his family had fought and died in every single American war. I guess you could say he had a lot to live up to."
• About his Comrades: "There was Dallas, from Phoenix; Cleveland - he was from Detroit; and Tex... well, I don't remember where Tex come from."

Dubya

• "A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."

• "I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California."

• "Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?"

• "What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that's my position."

• "It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it."

• "One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'."

• "If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign."

• "We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked
  yourself." 

• "If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura."

• "It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or another."

• "I have opinions of my own - strong opinions - but I don't always agree with them."

• Other Political Quotes

Abbott and Costello

• Every baseball fan remembers Abbott and Costello's famous routine. If you've never heard "Who's on First?" you're in for a treat. If you have heard it, it's worth another listen. Approx 4 min.

• Click Here to Listen
• Read Along

Stephen Wright

• Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."
• Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
• If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
• Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live there.
• If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
• Whatever happened to preparations A through G?
• If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
• I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."
• So, what's the speed of dark? .
• Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
• Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
  More

Declaration of Professors in the German Reich
23 October 1914

The following declaration was signed by over 3100 professors throughout Germany. The full text follows in English. A German translation is also available.

We instructors at Germany's universities and institutes of higher learning serve scholarship and carry forth a work of peace. But it fills us with dismay that the enemies of Germany, England at the head, wishes--ostensibly for our benefit--to polarize the spirit of German scholarship from what they call Prussian militarism. In the German army, there is no other spirit than in the German people, for both are one, and we are also a part of it. Our army also nurtures scholarship and can attribute its accomplishments in no small part to it. Service in the army also makes our youth effective for all the works of peace including scholarship. For the army educates them to sacrificial faithfulness to duty and lends them the self confidence and sense of honor of the truly free man who submits himself willingly to the whole. This spirit doesn't only exist in Prussia, but it is the same in all the lands of the German Reich. It is the same in war or peace. Now our army stands in battle for Germany's freedom and thereby for all the assets of peace and morality--not just in Germany alone. Our belief is that salvation for the very culture of Europe depends on the victory that German "militarism" will gain: manly virtue, faithfulness, the will to sacrifice found in the united, free German people.

---

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Jane Plotke (content) or Richard Hacken (form).

True Story

THE U.S. LEGAL SYSTEM
A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a case of rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against ... get this ... fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigars, and having yet to make a single premium payment on the Policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated that he had lost the cigars in "a series of small fires."

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in a normal fashion. The man sued...and won!

In delivering his ruling, the judge stated that since the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable, and also guaranteed that it would insure the cigars against fire, without defining what it considered to be "unacceptable fire," it was obligated to compensate the insured for his loss.

Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the judge's ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in "the fires."

After the man cashed his check, however, the insurance company had him arrested ... on 24 counts of arson! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used as evidence against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning the rare cigars and sentenced to 24 consecutive one year terms!

True Story

Nasty Professor
There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke. After one particularly nasty example, the women in the class decided to walk out the next time he started telling a vulgar joke.

The professor got wind of this plot, so the next morning he walked in and said, "Good morning, class. Did you hear the one about the shortage of whores in India?"

With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door.

"Wait, ladies," cried the professor. "The boat doesn't leave until tomorrow!"

True Story

Perfect Revenge
This is a true story. It was in a local newspaper in South
Carolina and even Jay Leno mentioned it on the Tonight Show.
  
This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University. It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests.

After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage at the microphone to talk to the crowd. He said that he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding.

He especially wanted to thank the bride's and groom's families for coming and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a fabulous reception. To thank everyone for coming and bringing gifts and everything, he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him. So, taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party, was a manila envelope. He said that this was his gift, and told everyone to open their envelopes.

Inside each envelope was an 8x10 photo of his best man having sex...with the bride. He had gotten suspicious of the two of them and hired a private detective to trail them weeks prior to the wedding.

After he stood there and watched the people's reactions for couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, "F--- you!" He turned to his bride and said "F--- you!" and then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm out of here!"

He had the marriage annulled the first thing that Monday morning.

While most of us would have broken off the engagement immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with it anyway, as if nothing was wrong. His revenge:

1) Making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for 300 guests for a wedding and reception.

2) Letting everyone know exactly what did happen. And, best of all,

3) Trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of all of their friends and their entire families.

This guy has balls the size of church bells.

Do you think we might see one of those MasterCard "Priceless" commercials out of this? Huh?

Elegant wedding for 300 family and guests -- $32,000
Photographers for the wedding -- $3,000
Deluxe Honeymoon accommodations in Maui for 2 wks -- $8,500
The look on everyone's faces after seeing a photo of the Bride and Best Man having sex -- Priceless!!!